Carrots

I was making my lunch for the following workday when I found a very curiously shaped carrot in the bag.  I said to Josh, "Whoa!  Look at that weird carrot!"

He says, "That's racist."

"What?  ... Pause ... there ARE white carrots."

He says, "Exactly - and I bet they attempt to enslave all the orange ones."

30 Questions

I found this list of 30 questions to ask your spouse.  Some of them were pointless - we have already discussed them at length, considering that we've been together for nearly 7 years.  Others seemed like interesting questions.  I will sample some of Josh's responses - because I laughed my ass off.

1. List 20 random facts about yourself.
"I'm not going to answer this because it's absolutely ridiculous to ask of someone and arrogant to answer."

2. Describe your relationship with your parents.
"Do people just talk about this shit publicly now?  WTF?  Daddy issues are like blood-soaked-shark-bait to trolls."

3. List the 10 things you would tell your 16 year old self if you could.
"-Shut the fuck up.
-Stop being an asshole.
-Stop drinking - smoke more pot instead.
-Read before you say things.
-The winners from every major pro sport events between 1998 and 2012."

4. List your hobbies.
"Sports, guitars, comedy, making fun of things and inappropriate language."

5. Describe your pet peeves.
"We don't have the time.  The list is somewhere between a 3000 word column and a series of leather-bound novels."

6. If you could live anywhere, where would it be and why?
"Anywhere where we can be left alone, in our world, to do as we please.  Not far enough away that I have to buy a bush plane, but far enough that I never have to see a neighbor without binoculars or a scope."

7. If you could have dinner with one person from history, who would it be?
"I tried answering this three times and started writing a novel all three times."

8. What popular notion do you think the world has most wrong?
"This question is like waving a baby covered in zebra blood in front of a lion!"

9. What do you think most people misunderstand about you?
"That I don't hate them - I just don't want to talk to them."

10. List the things you want to be remembered for.
"-Good father
-Good husband
-Good man
-The number of zombies I take down with me"

Yummy

Josh woke up early on Sunday morning and went to buy a whole mess of fruit for smoothies before our softball game today.  He finished making them and said,

"OMG.  This is delicious.  If you don't like this - you should have your mouth privileges removed."

Fast

Josh said, after a long discussion about baseball, "I wish I was fast."

"You kinda are, Babe.  Much faster than one would expect," I replied.

"Ya - that's because people look at me and expect me to be about as fast as a bag of shit."

Racist

Josh said something offensive, as he does.  I sighed and he said, "What?!  At least I'm not a racist."

I responded, "Right, except you say racist things..."

"No," he says, "I hate EVERYONE equally."

Nuts

Instead of pine nuts, I use walnuts in my pesto.  Josh and I got supplies for it today when we were grocery shopping.  When we got home, he put the walnuts in the freezer.

I asked him, "Why would you put the walnuts in the freezer??"

"My grandma used to put 'em there.  Keeps 'em fresh.  Plus, I like my nuts on ice"

What happened to America?

Josh and I were out running errands today when we saw this REALLY cool hotrod.  Josh said, "SEE?!  We USED to make really cool stuff.  What happened to America?"

"I dunno... maybe we thought we got too smart," I said.

"NO!" he says, "What happened was - the guy who built that, told his kids they could have dreams."