The Past Revisited

This guy I graduated with (whom I never officially dated but hung out with) has been on my trail for YEARS.  He first attempted to get back into my life back when I was with Sean (over 8 years ago).  One night, he stole a cell phone from a friend of mine and Sean's when we attempted to confront him in person.  We called the cops and he ended up going to jail.

He then proceeded to stalk me, made threatening phone calls and chased me in his car down Lincoln Way.  This went on for a while until he seemed to cool off (of course APD were informed every time something occurred).  Then one day, after several years of not hearing from him (and I'm now dating Josh) we run into each other at a bar I was at with Lydia.  Lydia tells us we should say "truce" and end our "cycle of hate" as she called it.  We talked briefly about what we've been doing with our lives and ended on a friendly note.

Then he pops back into the picture AGAIN.  This time he officially professes the love he's always had for me.  He says I'm his "soul mate," that we belong together and asks me to run away to Nevada (the STATE, not the city in IA) with him.  Of course, I said no and asked him to stop contacting me.  I blocked him on Facebook and on my cell phone.

Tonight, he texts me from a number I don't recognize.  I just switched phones and have discovered I have missing contacts so I asked who it was.  After a few statements that narrowed it down, I figured out it was him.  I tell him that I'm happily married and that Josh is going to loose his mind if he didn't stop.  He then proceeds to freak out... again.  This guys pattern is... Nice guy, nice guy, nice guy then I'm going to FREAK OUT when you reject me.  So, this is what Josh says...

"I mean, I should probably take it as some kind of sick compliment that this dude keeps trying to take my wife away from me.  On the other hand he has a propensity for trying to hurt your feelings which makes me want to shoot him in the neck."

He has a unique way of being protective. :)

Making Babies

Josh said last night, "If we have a girl, we have the potential to create a really hot chick."

"What??  Explain," I said.

"Well, look at the women on both sides of our families.  If the right combination occurs... I could need the shotgun more than I realized."

If our girl bypasses my rear and gets Josh's, my boobs, either of our eyes (mine are almond shaped with a cool hazel color... Josh's would just add mystery), either of our lips and a Mettille waist, we're in trouble.

:)

John Wayne

"True Grit" (the ORIGINAL) was on television tonight.  Josh and I were watching.  Out of the blue he says, "They should just reanimate John Wayne's body and make him president... permanently.  He was born in Iowa, ya know... we should rename Iowa to be 'John Wayne' but then Iowa would take over all the surrounding states..."

Dealing With Angry Kids

I pissed off a couple kids last week.  I didn't do anything DIRECTLY to them, but they decided to take their wrath out on me.  I had given another EA the pen he used to write up their FRIENDS.  THEY didn't even get written up.  I teach math to these two kids so their rage made it difficult to learn fractions.  They wouldn't speak to me or look me in the eye.

Josh was checking in on me through text messages to see how the situation was coming along.  I had talked to the Principal of the school for some advice on the matter.  Josh says, "Why don't you promise the school bully an extra chocolate milk for every one of those bitches he beats down.  Problem solved."

I laughed off his dark humor and said I didn't even think we had "that kid" at this school.

He says, "I'm sure you can find one.  It's the kid who's always pissed, probably kinda ugly, wears shitty clothes, and who everyone gives a wide birth.  He might be a wrestler."

LOL.  That was ME.

Bacon, Delicious Bacon

I just got out of the shower and Josh and I were cooking dinner together.  Bisquick biscuits, bacon and scrambled eggs was on the menu.  I was taking care of the biscuits and scrambled eggs while Josh and his hands of steel dealt with bacon grease.  Some fresh bacon came off the pan onto a plate and I fished for the older batch underneath.  I took a bite, discovering that it was still wickedly hot.  I leaned forward to keep from spitting out on the floor for Otis to eat.  My freshly washed hair dunked RIGHT into the pile of bacon.

Josh: "Uhm, yeah that's hot."
Me: "I realize this but I thought I grabbed one from the last batch.  And NOW I have bacon grease in my hair!"
Josh: "That's hot.  I'm going to make sweet love to your hair while you sleep tonight."

Creepy!

Where did I put that??

This isn't so much something Josh SAYS, but DOES.  He is the king of losing stuff.  Seriously.  I've tried everything to help him keep his shit together.  I made a bowl for him to put his cell phone and keys in so they're always in the same place.  That didn't help.

Honestly, he's gotten much better at the cell phone, wallet and keys thing.  However, recently we've had things literally just *POOF* disappear.  Before, I could join in on the hunt and the item would be found quickly.  Lately, though, it seems he has stepped up his game.

The other day we were making dinner together and I asked him to get another roll of paper towels.  He had just opened a new one, he claimed.  So he went looking for it.  We both looked for about 20 minutes, determined not to crack open another roll.  It made SENSE that it would be in the kitchen.  However, we found it in the back corner of the living room.  It was almost like he threw it over there and had no recollection.

Same day, I asked him to put new light bulbs in the overhead kitchen light.  We were down to one bulb out of three and it was getting hard to see what I was doing.  He gets up on the chair and changes the bulbs.  Then, when it comes time to put the glass back on, he can't find the little cap that screws on to keep it from falling on your head.  It's been several days and the cap is yet to be found.  He was standing in the exact same place on top of a chair the whole time he was doing this... WHERE ON EARTH did it go?!

Amazing.

Race/Ethnicity

I was explaining a job prospect to Josh.  It's a position at ISU working specifically with "disadvantaged students."  This includes those with disabilities, those from minority groups, those from low socioeconomic statuses, etc.  I said, "So, you'd sort of be part of that group... you're a non-traditional student."  He says, "And I'm in a minority group."  WHAT?!  "Um, yeah... I'M BLACK" and shoots me a look like he's offended by my oversight.

What's Your Course of Action?

When complaining about an ornery coworker, I told Josh to "Kill him with kindness.  Overt, corney kindness."  He says...

"A big, heavy chunk of steel to his melon ought to do it."

He's such a problem solver!

Video Games

Josh is a gamer.  He goes in spurts, but most of the time he's got some game he's really into.  We recently bought Call of Duty: Black Ops.  These are the only games (with the exception of the old school stuff) that I can really get into.  I'm willing to try any first person shooter and I usually get a little OCD about it until I've beat the game.  There are plenty of hilarious quotes I could insert here, but I'll start with the old ones and end with the newest.

"Wrong Button Pushing."  This is when, obviously, the wrong button is pushed, causing you to die, fail, etc.  This excuse should be used sparingly as to not make the other player suspicious of your actual "skills."

"NCAA fits."  This originated with Josh and his buddy Jason.  These are the freak-outs you have when you just CAN'T get pass something.  Usually, they involve a short lived fit of rage in which you stomp (or punch) the floor or a solid piece of furniture.  During a more rare and intense fit, one might throw the controller across the room.  Josh more frequently has these, but I'm guilty as well.  The most infamous incident involved me attempting the new "drum" feature on Rock Band.  I tried and tried and tried, but it ended with me throwing both drum sticks across the room, breaking one on the wall.  Of course, these fits are immediately followed by a feeling of guilt... and feeling of how ridiculous that just was.

The newest took place TWICE today.  I was stuck at a place in Black Ops.  Josh came home from work to hear me rant and rave about how STUPID the game.  We got into this HUGE discussion of how, really, the game was pretty awesome and started comparing thoughts on the story line.  We realized about 20 minutes into our "deep" conversation, that we were discussing a fucking video game.  Really?!  We're that lame??

Later, we're in the shower and I suggest ways I can get around this damn mission I can't pass.  Josh goes off and, in the process, I realize he's talking unnecessarily loud (I mean, how loud to you have to talk to somebody you're showering with??)!  I asked him, "Why are you talking so LOUD?"  He says, "Because I'm PASSIONATE!!"  Again... are we really that lame?!  :)

Vicious Toenails

When you're diabetic, you have to be super careful with your feet.  So, you either have a doctor trim your nails, OR, if you're like Josh and I, your wife FILES your toe nails down to avoid all chance of a cut.
Josh's toe nails get ridiculously long some times and he'll frequently jab me with them unintentionally.

Today in the shower (yes, we shower together regularly), he got me good in the middle of me trying to tell a story.  I said, "DAMN YOUR VICIOUS TOENAILS!"  He responds...

"They're not that bad!  I mean, don't get me wrong, I could PROBABLY skin a baby with them..."

I cut him off before the statement went any further.

Sleeping Beauty

If you know me, you know I can't function well if I don't get 8 hours of solid sleep a night.  I can't remember the particular reason I didn't sleep well, but the next day I was complaining to Josh how exhausted I was.  He says...

"You'll sleep like a drugged up baby tonight!"

Aww, you're so sweet.

More About Zombies

Not sure what started it, but Josh and I had a semi-serious conversation about what to do in the invent of a zombie apocalypse.  As in a will, we professed our "wishes," should we ever be infected.

Josh wants to be off-ed as soon as possible.  His only request is that he go out "with a bang."  Specifically, he wanted a shotgun blast up through his chin, preferably JUST as he busts through a door or window (Jack Nicholson style).  He also suggested that I record my kills.  This way, after it's all over I can post a video compilation of how bad ass I am.  Apparently the internet will still exist.

I requested that I at least get to eat ONE brain before he off's me.  He was disturbed by my request.  He also mentioned that the longer he waits, the harder it will be for him to shoot me.  I guess that's comforting.

We also discussed how long our dogs will last.  After a reminder from Josh that zombies don't really go after dogs, we decided that Roxy would just follow us around, in zombie form or not.  She'd probably be fine as long as she remembers to eat something.  Otis, on the other hand, would die quickly trying to protect us.

We ended our conversation imagining each other on the horizon of a destroyed skyline, the sunset behind us.  Our silhouettes detail only our outlines and our bad ass weapons.  Also, I told Josh that I'd probably be wearing my fanny pack. :P

Pillow Talk

Last night, we rolled over into our "sleep" positions and it got really quiet.  Out of the blue Josh says...

"What would you do if you found out I was a cyborg?" 

What?!  Is there something you haven't told me? 

Police Prospect

A while back I thought about testing to be an ISU Police Officer.  When I told Josh I was invited to the preliminary tests, this was the sarcastic rant he went on...

"Can we go violate the civil rights of rich white kids?  We could be anti-heros and apply massive King-style beatings to hipsters!  Rich white kids don't have their rights taken away often enough.  I aim to change that!  I want to be an unstoppable criminal menace!"

While he might be right about the "rich white kids," I thankfully chose NOT to be a cop.

Wedding Bells

Josh and I were married on September 4, 2010.  It was pretty non-traditional wedding.  We opted for a SUPER casual outdoor wedding with a "camp out/grill out" feel.  My brother married us (after he was ordained online) and we wrote our own vows.  These vows were much more like speeches.  I followed what I wrote verbatim.  He, however, went off on a few tangents along the way.

My husband mentioned the "ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE" in his wedding vows to me.

I can't wait to show the video recording to our future children.

He LOVES His Job

Not really.  I was trying to cheer him up.  If you know him well, you know that he's impossible to console when his mind is MADE UP.  This day, life sucked.

"It's hard to have a good day when people just walk around mean-mugging and being cocksuckers for no reason."

His work environment is friendly.

What's for Dinner?

Sometimes, I give Josh a break from the kitchen.  It isn't often, but I usually ask for his input before I run to the store.  He was still at work so I texted him asking what sounded good for dinner.  He responds...

"I'm starving.  I want bloody fucking beef."

Okay, steak it is.

Morning Text Message

Waking up to text messages from Josh can go two ways.  Usually, though, it's a statement of how much he hates his job...

"The world is lucky I can't afford ammunition."

Apparently he was having a bad day.

Band Practice

Josh has band practice every Friday night.  A couple weeks ago, Shawn, the drummer got really sick.  He announced that he wouldn't be there for practice on account of his "liquid death."  As they are accustomed to, all the band members gave him hell for it.  Josh, my husband told him to quit being a sissy... he COULDN'T be sick because..."Drummers aren't people.  They are cyborg-metronomes."