If guys menstrated...

I reminded Josh tonight that I have my gyno appointment in the morning.  He said, "Aren't you on your period?"  I went over my last cycle with him and also noted a distinct change in length and flow since I've been on the new birth control.  He sat for a second and said...

"If dude got a period, they'd COMPLETE over it."

Sexual Assault

Roxy is very fond of a Pillow Pet that I received as a gift a while back.  She humps the thing.  Occasionally, she will go to town and we'll stop what we're doing to comment on our disgusting little girl.

Josh said,  "How do I explain to people that our adorable, sweet little dog rapes a Pillow Pet?"

Pickle Jars

There are some jars I JUST can't get open.  No matter what trick I try, the broken bone in my hand just wont allow the grip I need.  I frequently have to hand them to Josh for him to crack for me.  After he opened one last night he said, "See?!  THIS is why you'll never be President."

Sandusky

Sandusky was sentenced to 30-60 years today. Josh and I had a short discussion about it. He, like much of the public, thinks his sentence should have been longer, despite the fact that he'll die in prison anyhow. Josh's only hope is that his death comes early, perhaps orchestrated intentionally because, "Now the tax payers get to pay for that motherfucker to keep on living."

Prostate Exams

Josh and I were discussing the fact that, while it's cool that the NFL makes Breast Cancer Awareness a big deal, they should really bring testicular or prostrate cancer to the forefront. It's not talked about as often, and it IS particularly important for their primary audience.

This launched us into a conversation about getting prostrate exams and colonoscopies as a preventative measure. Josh was very clear that he will never have one, unless of course, a clear problem in the area presents itself. This kind of shocked me - considering the fact that I've had BOTH a doctor's finger AND a camera in my ass.

He said, "That has to be the worst and most uncomfortable, medically related thing I can think of - including being diagnosed as a Type 1diabetic stage 12."

Wow.

Halloween

I sent Josh an email with a bunch of Halloween costumes on clearance.  I asked his opinion on which he thought I should go with.  People at work dress up for Halloween, and since it IS my second favorite holiday, I figured I'd dress up.  Josh and I never do anything - because he hates it.  This is the response I got;

"Part of me wonders if you're just fucking with me.  A bigger part knows that you aren't.  I can't really make a recommendation, because all of those things are equally ridiculous.  Did you notice that the tiger has an inverted crucifix on the top of it?  I guess I'd go with that one, because nothing says 'pagan holiday' like an upside down cross."

Coccaine!

I had a helluva day at work.  I spent the whole weekend cleaning and being productive.  Sitting in front of the computer all day made me twitchy and a particular issue made me boil over.  When I got home, I felt like getting more DONE!

At some point Josh asked, "Did you snort some COKE on the way home today?"

I laughed and asked why.

"Because you're even walking across the living room fast!"

Chill pill, Liz.

Explain That

Josh took offense to a sensitive subject posted on Facebook.  He said, "By the way, I'm king of offended by what ___ just posted on Facebook."  He went on to vaguely describe why.  I said, "I'm confused, explain this."

"Okay... hold on... I have an epic game of Bubble Shoot going..."

Jeebuz Saves

A mutual friend of ours posted an image on his Facebook.  Hand written, on notebook paper, it read "Jesus Saves" in the middle.  On the right it said, "Like or Share if you believe."  On the right it said, "Keep scrolling if you like Devil" (typed as written - THEY left out the 'the').

Josh pointed it out and simply said, "Yes, because I'm sure Jesus is checking your Facebook status.  He definitely isn't concerned with the amount of partying you do or how many girls you've been banging."

Carrots

I was making my lunch for the following workday when I found a very curiously shaped carrot in the bag.  I said to Josh, "Whoa!  Look at that weird carrot!"

He says, "That's racist."

"What?  ... Pause ... there ARE white carrots."

He says, "Exactly - and I bet they attempt to enslave all the orange ones."

30 Questions

I found this list of 30 questions to ask your spouse.  Some of them were pointless - we have already discussed them at length, considering that we've been together for nearly 7 years.  Others seemed like interesting questions.  I will sample some of Josh's responses - because I laughed my ass off.

1. List 20 random facts about yourself.
"I'm not going to answer this because it's absolutely ridiculous to ask of someone and arrogant to answer."

2. Describe your relationship with your parents.
"Do people just talk about this shit publicly now?  WTF?  Daddy issues are like blood-soaked-shark-bait to trolls."

3. List the 10 things you would tell your 16 year old self if you could.
"-Shut the fuck up.
-Stop being an asshole.
-Stop drinking - smoke more pot instead.
-Read before you say things.
-The winners from every major pro sport events between 1998 and 2012."

4. List your hobbies.
"Sports, guitars, comedy, making fun of things and inappropriate language."

5. Describe your pet peeves.
"We don't have the time.  The list is somewhere between a 3000 word column and a series of leather-bound novels."

6. If you could live anywhere, where would it be and why?
"Anywhere where we can be left alone, in our world, to do as we please.  Not far enough away that I have to buy a bush plane, but far enough that I never have to see a neighbor without binoculars or a scope."

7. If you could have dinner with one person from history, who would it be?
"I tried answering this three times and started writing a novel all three times."

8. What popular notion do you think the world has most wrong?
"This question is like waving a baby covered in zebra blood in front of a lion!"

9. What do you think most people misunderstand about you?
"That I don't hate them - I just don't want to talk to them."

10. List the things you want to be remembered for.
"-Good father
-Good husband
-Good man
-The number of zombies I take down with me"

Yummy

Josh woke up early on Sunday morning and went to buy a whole mess of fruit for smoothies before our softball game today.  He finished making them and said,

"OMG.  This is delicious.  If you don't like this - you should have your mouth privileges removed."

Fast

Josh said, after a long discussion about baseball, "I wish I was fast."

"You kinda are, Babe.  Much faster than one would expect," I replied.

"Ya - that's because people look at me and expect me to be about as fast as a bag of shit."

Racist

Josh said something offensive, as he does.  I sighed and he said, "What?!  At least I'm not a racist."

I responded, "Right, except you say racist things..."

"No," he says, "I hate EVERYONE equally."

Nuts

Instead of pine nuts, I use walnuts in my pesto.  Josh and I got supplies for it today when we were grocery shopping.  When we got home, he put the walnuts in the freezer.

I asked him, "Why would you put the walnuts in the freezer??"

"My grandma used to put 'em there.  Keeps 'em fresh.  Plus, I like my nuts on ice"

What happened to America?

Josh and I were out running errands today when we saw this REALLY cool hotrod.  Josh said, "SEE?!  We USED to make really cool stuff.  What happened to America?"

"I dunno... maybe we thought we got too smart," I said.

"NO!" he says, "What happened was - the guy who built that, told his kids they could have dreams."

Run For Your Lives

I found this today and posted it on my Facebook.  I wasn't sure that Josh had seen it so I showed him tonight.  He thought it was pretty cool, but like me, decided we couldn't spare the money.  Then he said, "That IS pretty cool... but I don't see the point in using it as preparation if I can't SHOOT them."

Fruit

I was trying to come up with different fruit I could bring to work with me and I remembered cantaloupe!  Josh hates it, but I love it!  I brought one home and started to cut into it.  It occurred to me that I had never actually cut one up myself, nor had I watched anybody else do it.

I said out loud, "How does one cut up a cantaloupe?  I wish I just had one of those melon ballers."

Josh responded, "A shot gun will do it!"

New Job

I finally found employment.  It isn't in my field, nor is it the perfect situation.  However, I get paid - and well.  Not to mention the fact that medical insurance, dental and life for me are FREE.  You read that right.

Josh has been pretty affectionate lately.  Putting two and two together, I said, "You love me more when I'm employed, don't you?"  (I was kidding, of course)

He says, "I wouldn't say that.  I'd say that the relief of stress has finally started to lift.  It's like coming out of a two year long hostage situation."

In Public

Josh and I were at HyVee today getting groceries for the week.  A woman at the deli counter noticed his awesome Boondock Saints t-shirt and said, "That's an awesome shirt!"  He didn't say anything... he just looked like a deer in headlights.  I said, "Yeah... I think I actually found that one at a garage sale."

We walked away and Josh said, "I'm so glad you're able to converse with people like a normal human being.  I you weren't there, I would have just grunted at her and walked off."  I paid attention during the rest of our shopping and realized that he doesn't talk to ANYONE but me in the store.  It's like those old couples where the wife just speaks for her husband all the time.  :P

Throwing Elbows

Josh and I were laying in bed, not talking.

I noticed that he had the shotgun loaded next to his side of the bed.  I looked over and noticed that my .22 was not loaded and next to MY side of the bed.  I asked him, "Why don't I have my .22 ready to go?"  He said, "I don't know."

This started yet another zombie conversation.  He said that it was more important that he had a gun on his side... because I sleep next to the window.  I couldn't understand this because, with his reasoning, zombies are more likely to come in through a window rather than the locked door way.

I said, "Well you're next to the DOORway!"

He says, "It's okay, though, because I can throw deadly elbows to fight them off."

Ouch

Josh came up from the basement while I was baking cupcakes this evening and said, "I think I was sitting on one of my balls downstairs."

Er... okay.

Fairy Tales

While up in St. Paul, MN visiting the sibs and doing some painting, I finally went to see The Hunger Games.  In the previews, I saw one for Snow White and the Hunstman.  I thought it looked amazing and texted Josh about it, at some point using the descriptor "badass."

Josh responded, "Um, badass Snow White?  How does THAT work?!  How could you possibly make the 7 Dwarfs badass?  Hi-ho, hi-ho ... with a VENGEANCE!"

Big Enough for Liz to Know About It

Josh says, "So you know how the Tebow thing got big enough last year that even YOU knew about the Tebow thing?"

LOL.

He had to stop finishing his thought because I was laughing so hard.  Anytime something in sports happens that I know about, is a big deal.

Stigmata

Josh took the day off work so we set off to run some errands together.  I looked over at him and noticed that he was bleeding a bit on the bridge of his nose.

I said, "Babe, your nose is bleeding a bit."

He says, "Oh... it's just a little stigmata."

"Are you sure you just didn't get in a fight this morning?" I asked.

"Oh yeah... with the Philistines."

Light Switches

Josh was milling around the house before bed last night.  He comes into the bedroom where I'm reading and says,

"I've recently developed a habit of trying to flick on light switches that were NEVER there."

We've lived in our apartment for 4 years now! :)  I can't say I haven't done this before, though.

Bamboo Needles

I was waiting impatiently for my set of 15 different sized double pointed bamboo needles.  I was explaining the differences between plastic, metal and bamboo needles to Josh for an extensive amount of time last night.  I lost him after I gave a list of the different kinds.  Even handing them to him and telling him to rub them together didn't produce an "Oh! I get it!" moment.

The needles came in the mail today and I quickly ripped apart the packaging.  The manufacturer is based in MN and apparently makes all sorts of bamboo products, including kitchen utensils, cutting boards, flooring, etc.  Inside the package was a tiny bamboo spoon.  Josh was standing next to me when I said, "What the heck could I use THAT for?"

He says, "It's for a very crafty coke head."

Option C

This morning, the dogs needed to be let out and we needed to make a run for cigarettes.  I asked Josh, "Would you rather take the pups out or go to the gas station?"

Pause... and picks up the longest knitting needle in my collection.

"I choose Option C.  Poking your eye out with this monstrous needle."

Sweet.

The Diva Cup

I bought one today.  I have the world's lightest periods and have the desire to spend NO money on "feminine hygiene products."  Before I thought to put it away, Josh saw it.  I was in the basement at the time and he comes downstairs with this really embarrassed look on his face.

"That THING... that thing is TRULY HORRIFIC."  ...Pause...  "We can never have a girl."

"What about me?  I'm a girl," I asked.

"Ya... and I ALREADY have to compartmentalize.  I can't think about how that THING is somehow associated with the parts of you I like to have sex with.  It's like somebody looked at a Dixie cup and said, 'Hey! Stick this in your vagina!"

Conquering Cables

I finally attempted cables in my knitting!  I was so scared of them until I watched a Youtube video.  I dove right in and pumped out a washcloth between dishwasher and laundry loads today.  When Josh got home I said, "Look what I made!  I conquered cables!"  LOL... as if he knows what they are.

He just smiled and said "Neat!"

I said something to express my disappointment in his underwhelmed reaction.

He says, "Look... unless you create Baby Jesus - and I don't mean some artistic interpretation of Baby Jesus, but THE Baby Jesus - out of yarn... I'm just not going to be surprised by your abilities to make stuff."

Doctors

Josh and I are very different when it comes to doctors and visits.  I would always prefer to have him with me.  He doesn't understand why I'd ever want to be with HIM, and prefers that I'm not be there.  He was trying to find a comparison to explain how strange he thinks I am and asked, "Okay, so lets say you're seeing a psychologist.  Would you want me to sit in on those visits?"

I thought about it for a second.  I decided that I honestly wouldn't mind.  Unless, of course, WE were having problems and I needed to vent about HIM.  There is no deep, dark feelings inside me that I would be uncomfortable with him knowing about.  In fact, if he isn't already aware of them, he could probably deduce them.  There is very little I keep "private" from him.

He thinks this is very strange and that I'M the minority.  So, I used the example of my friend Sarah.  "I went with Sarah to her first gyno appointment!  I held her HAND!"

"WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?!"

I laughed a little and explained that it was her first time going, and she did not have the relationship with her mother that I did.  She didn't have the same support I had.

More Hurt

I injured myself again.  This time, not quite as embarrassing as a fall on the stairs, but ridiculous nonetheless.  Our mattress had scooted away from the wall.  I got out of bed and lifted the end of the mattress up and scooted it forward (with Josh still on it).  Not smart.  SHOOTING pain through my shoulder and up my neck.

I went to the doctor to get it checked out because, even at rest, I was in a lot of pain.  I had an xray to be sure the extreme tenderness in my collar bone wasn't a break (which, I assume wasn't the case since I didn't get a call).  She set me up with 2 weeks of physical therapy and if that doesn't improve anything, I'm off to the ortho.

This SUCKS.  My back hurt, but at least I could sit on the couch and knit all day.  I can't even do THAT!  if you know me, you know I have a REALLY hard time sitting still or not being able to be productive in SOME way.

Anyway, Josh had some interesting insights on this...

"GEEZ!  We couldn't even win at a losing game!  Shit just keeps HAPPENING!"

"It's not like the Cubs are trying to get you to the show in a hurry.  You don't have to hit 98 on the gun or throw a nasty slide-piece.  You just have to be able to lift your arm."  Always with the baseball... I get this, though.  I'm sure part of my problem is my history as an outfielder.

"On the bright side, you can legitimately opt of out of any manufacturing work!" - "I NEED to work, Babe!" - "I know, but this way you have to focus on where your skill set is definitely best suited, as opposed to the 'strong back, weak mind' bullshit that I've been sentenced to."  Alright, I'll give him that one, too... but I really DO need a job, regardless of what it is.

I said, "I'm going to go do some self-loathing now."  He says, "No you're not.  I'm the one who gets to live in a constant state of self-hatred.  You get to keep pushing.  Let me handle the negative stuff, I'm a pro."  He really is.

Valentines Day

I saw a commercial for Edible Arrangements on television tonight.  I told Josh, "So... apparently... if you get me fruit covered in chocolate for Valentine's Day, I'm supposed jump up and down with delight then have sex with you." This launched us into a conversation about the media messages we've received about this particular holiday.

Josh said, "Well, I'm supposed to get you diamonds.  If I don't get you diamonds, not only will I NOT be getting laid, I don't actually love you."

"Ah!" I said, "And I'm actually not obligated to get you anything.  I'm just supposed to let you shower me with gifts that mean nothing!"

We don't celebrate Valentine's Day.  We never have.  It's a contrived holiday... it's only purpose is to get us to buy crap for each other.

Josh ended the conversation with, picking up from an earlier one about politics, "I'd like to see a president who has the balls to come in and banish Valentine's Day."

EDIT:
Josh brought this up again a day later after seeing another ad.  He said, "So, isn't this just making prostitution legal for a day?  I mean, women are exchanging goods for their 'services.'  Why don't more women hate this?!"

Injured

I had another mishap involving stairs.  This time, much worse than the basement stairs.  I was taking the pups out before bed, at about 10:00 pm.  It was a combination of Otis being eager to pee, bad shoes and slippery steps.  My legs flew out from under me and the full force of my weight came down on the edge of stair RIGHT on my spine and the right side of the "muffin top" portion of my back.  OUCH.

I wanted to take a hot shower immediately.  I knew this was going to hurt and if I could stave off some of the soreness so I could sleep, I would.  Josh got in with me because I wasn't moving around well.  I realized mid-wash that I couldn't get my legs.  I said, in my most impressive whine, "HOW many times are you going to have to bathe me in our lifetimes?!"  (On at least 2 other occasions, he's had to help me shower due to an injury).

He kind of giggled and at the same time said, "Oh, Babe."

"WHAT?!  Don't LAUGH at me... I'm in a LOT of pain."

He says, "I know, I know... but you're so cute and pathetic."

Thanks, Babe.  To be fair, he was very kind during the worst of the pain.  I did go to the doctor eventually.  Just a deep tissue bruise.  There is some color on the surface which looks like, according to the doctor, "lace."  The swelling and muscle spasms are pushing/pulling my spine out of alignment, though.  Horray for muscle relaxers!

Birthday Cake

I told Josh today that I thought I had a good idea what his cake would be this year.  He started reminiscing about last years cake.  I had made him a guitar cake that was carved.  I couldn't bring myself to just throw away the pieces I carved away so I threw them in a bowl and into the fridge.  I also had a whole bunch of left over icing because I had to mix probably 4 different colors.

He says, "Last year was awesome.  There was just a BOWL of cake!"

Milestones

Josh is going to be 31 soon.  As usual, I will be making him coconut shrimp, a steak and a cake.  Every year, I've done some kind of theme with the cake.

He shrugged off my excitement about his birthday saying, "It's just 31.  Nothing special."

He added, "At this point, you don't get anything but decade milestones.  My only hope for 40 is that we have enough money for me to have a midlife crisis and go out and buy some toy with wheels."

Maybe I'll make him a Scrooge cake this year.

Emergency

I woke up this morning with a blurry, bright spot in my vision.  I wasn't really concerned with it until it started shifting shape and size.  At the time, I felt fine otherwise, but I called First Nurse just to be sure.  They wanted me to go to the ER as soon as I could and didn't want me to drive.  Josh was at work so he had to come home to take me in.

As we all know, you can expect a wait.  I get really anxious at doctors' offices or in the hospital so I was trying to come up with a distraction.  The Kindle was out, as were games on my phone.  There was no way I was reading or staring at a lighted screen with this blob in my vision and the quickly developing splitting headache.  So... I stuffed a deck of cards in my purse before we left.  I figured we could at least play some poker or something.

Josh was a little mortified with the card playing.  I didn't really think about the fact that there was no table to put "the river" on.  Nor did I think about how awkward it would be to deal cards into laps.  He whined a bit and I said, "I know this is strange, Babe, but it's keeping me from having a panic attack."

He says, "I know.  You're lucky I kinda like you."

In the end... I found out I'm having ocular migraines.  Who knew!?

Drugs.

As you probably know, Josh is a Type 1 Diabetic.  This means he has to take multiple shots of insulin per day.  With all the talk of an apocalypse, or simply a collapse of our government, we've discussed a plan several times.  One of the first things we have to do is secure a stash of insulin for Josh.  *Note: Even if we're able to do this, and we assume that no NEW insulin will be produced, he only has about 5 years.  The shelf life maxes out about then... and that's with refrigeration!

We recently found out that I will no longer be getting VA benefits.  This means I can't go to school another semester to carry us financially until I get into my MSW program.  I started my scramble to find work the moment I found out.  One job that sounded interesting was a pharmacy tech.  I've never done it before, but I have TONS of customer service jobs.  Can't be to hard, right?

Josh said, "Ya!  Get that pharmacy job!  That way, when the world falls apart, I don't have to do a smash and grab for insulin.  We could just use your key!"