Butts

Josh was comparing our rears, insisting that mine was much more attractive than his.

He said, "Mine makes it much easier to turn down nude photo sessions."

I laughed and said, "WHAT?!"

Trying to sputter out the words while laughing he says, "Ya... cuz those offers happen from time to time."

Morning Messages on the Mirror.

One morning, I woke up to a messaged written in dry erase marker on the bathroom mirror.  It read,

"So...

Your brush fell in the toilet this morning.  Sorry.

But I love you!"

Apocalypse Now.

Josh asked me to check our bank balance this morning to be sure he's good to pick up his prescriptions.  I messed around with the online banking first before calling them to figure out what the problem was.  Their computers are down.  No online banking.  No ATM access.  No ability for them to physically check the balance.  I'm not even sure our cards will WORK.  Awesome.  I love being so reliant on computers.

I texted Josh to tell him and said, "The apocalypse has begun!"

He says, "Not until next year, silly lady."

"Oh, my bad," I said.

He responds, "The date is 12/21/12 now." 

"So... EXACTLY a year from today.  Eerie much?"

"Ya...weird right?  We'll be fine.  We have guns and I hate people, so it will be easy to shoot first and ask questions .... never.  It would probably be a good idea to stock up on ammo, though."

Freaking Out.

Josh's truck wouldn't start one day before work.  He took my car instead.  When I woke up, he was freaking out about how we can't afford to fix his truck right now.

I said, "Relaxxxxxx... no reason to freak out, especially when you don't know there is good reason to freak out!"  (I suspected that the combination of him leaving his iPod plugged in and the cold drained his battery... he probably just needed a jump).

He says, "Freaking out unnecessarily is kind of what I do."

"I know.  It's one of those things I still haven't trained out of you," I responded.

"Good luck with that," he says.

New Words

Josh used the word "cowl" tonight in a conversation.

I said, "Oh!  I love that I taught you what a 'cowl' is!"

He responds, "You didn't, I learned that from Batman."

"Damn.  I need to blog this.  It's funny that I thought I taught you a word that actually, you learned from Batman, of all things," I said.

"Well, you did teach me some words.  Like decoupage.  That just sounds made up.  And exfoliate.  I didn't even have the context to ASSUME what exfoliate meant."

My Hillbilly

I incorrectly used the word "hick" when I meant to use the word "hillbilly" in a conversation with Josh tonight.

He said, "The 40% hillbilly inside me is thoroughly offended."

Gum.

I got some new deodorant yesterday and announced to Josh that this time, I got girly smelling stuff.

He says, "Dang, now I can't use it when I misplace mine."

I made him sniff it and he says, "That smells like gum... JUICY FRUIT.  It smells like Juicy Fruit."

We then proceeded into a conversation about quality gum.  I said that Juicy Fruit is probably the worse gum out there, "It's delicious for two seconds, then it's gross and hard."

Josh says, "No... there is NOTHING good about Juicy Fruit.  Losing it's flavor is the best thing that ever happened to Juicy Fruit."

Pause...

"Why is it even called that?!  What fruit have you ever had that tastes like that?!"

Addiction

I was using hand sanitizer as Josh gets back in the driver side of his truck.  He sniffs and says, "Did you just drink a BEER?!  Seriously, it smells like you just spend eight hours drinking at the Tip Top."

"Uh, no... " I said I held my hand up to his nose.

He says, "Okay.  But, just for future reference, I want to know if you're going to start drinking.  I mean, if you're going to decided to disintegrate into alcoholism, I wont be taking care of you and making excuses for you."

3 Stages of Grief

Josh and I headed to the grocery store today.  Since he didn't leave the house yesterday, I told him that the roads were nasty because, "First we got rain, then sleet, then snow!"

He says, "Ah, the three stages of grief!"

Sneezes.

Josh was making fun of how I blow my nose.  To be fair, I DO sound like a fog horn.  He says, "You make a whole deal out of blowing your nose...  but...  I guess I make a whole deal out of sneezing."

I swear, he either sneezes three times in a row... or like 10.

Then he says, "I LOVE sneezing!  It's like an orgasm for my face!"

Crafty

Occasionally, when Josh sees me knitting or crocheting, he says,

"One woman sweatshop."

Thanksgiving.

Josh wakes up and says, "Happy Thanksgiving!"

I gave a disapproving grumble and he says, "Let's go rape and kill some Indians!"

I said, "And colonize a country!"

"Naw, fuck that... we're here to spread disease and Christianity!  ...   You know what we SHOULD do today?  We should go to an Indian casino and say, 'Sorry guys... we're going to spend lots of money now.'"

Obviously, we're all about this holiday.

Kisses.

I stole a kiss from Josh in bed the other night right as he was about to fall asleep.

He says, "Damn!  You just mouth raped me!"

So sorry to violate you, Babe... now go to sleep.

The Gods

Josh was antsy about getting off work the other day.  I told him, "You only got an hour!"

He says, "I know, thank the Gods."

"Gods don't exist, silly man!", I replied

He says, "Careful... Odin doesn't take kindly to that kind of talk."

PTA

Who knows HOW, but Josh and I started discussing school boards and PTA.  At the end of a lengthy, one sided conversation I said, "I don't really know anything about what you're talking about.  I have nothing to add."  I then brought up that Sarah, my bestie, is on the PTA at her son's school and is in charge of fundraising.

Josh started going on and on about all the things he would do.  "I'd have a Battle of the Bands show and donate all the door money to the school."  I asked him, "So... you're saying that when we have kid(s), you're going to be a part of PTA?"

He says, "ABSOLUTELY!  I'll show up in my Behemoth [a metal band] t-shirt and use the power of my BEARD to raise money!"

It's settled then.

Pecking Order

Josh and I were discussing dominance in our household tonight... particularly with the dogs.  Otis THINKS he's #1 all the time.  Occasionally, we have to knock him down a peg or two.  I looked at Roxy and said, "And you're #4!"  She wagged her tail and looked at me with her blank stare.

Josh says, "You know WHY Roxy is #4?  Because in a house fire, Otis would alert us and get the heck out.  With Roxy, we'd have to wake her up and carry her ass out."

Dexter

After catching up on Dexter, Josh and I were discussing our predictions for the rest of the season.  We talked about how Quinn needs to keep his dick in his pants and should PROBABLY be fired... and Deb needs to swear off men.  I said, "How much you want to bet Deb and the new guy..."

Josh cuts me off and says, "That CAN'T happen.  That better not happen.  What I saw was the new black guy get interested in Dexter.  What happens when a black guy gets close to Dexter?  Black guy dies."

Talk to Text

Josh uses "talk to text" when he's driving.  He's off work before me on 4 out of the 5 days a week.  Instead of calling me, he usually texts me to tell me he's off and on his way home.  This is what I got today...

"Yahoo I'm on my way home, babe.  I love you!"
...
"1. I just realized that I forgot 2 get smokes on my way home.
  2. Fucking talk to text... I've NEVER said "yahoo" about anything.  Ever."
...
"Goddammit!  I don't substitute numbers for words either!"

Hippie Chicken, Part 2

Josh and I were discussing his amazing ability to steer clear of all sickness.  Seriously, he hasn't been ill in the nearly 6 years we've been together.  This makes no sense, since he's a Type 1 Diabetic, he shouldn't be so immune! I was trying to defend myself saying that, actually, I had only been REALLY sick the three times I had bronchitis and pneumonia.  He noted that it must be all the antibiotics and junk they put in his meat!

I told him, "When you DO get sick, it's going to be epic and I'll never let you live it down.  You'll be in the hospital and I'll be throwing it right in your face!"

He responds, "Ya... I'll be laying there on my death bed and I'll say, 'ONCE!  I got sick ONCE!'"

I swear, even when he's dying we'll be jabbing at each other. :P  All in good fun.

In the Dark

Josh had a doctor appointment this morning at 8:30 am.  He had to fast for 12 hours before so by the time he got done, he was starving!  He went and got us McDonald's breakfast (about the only thing I'll eat fast-food style anymore is their egg and cheese biscuits).  Yum!

I was in the basement drinking my morning coffee and checking my email and such.  He came down to give me my order and said,

"Gawd!  Turn on your light, Goth kid!"

Blood Sugar

Josh was getting a little loopy and I said that his blood sugar was probably low.  When he gets low like this, we both guess what it is before the meter beeps.  He wasn't quite incoherent, just a little goofy.  I can usually get a good range by his facial expressions, skin color and his ability to hold a conversation.  I guessed 53, he guessed 42.

The meter said 41 and I had to give him a fist bump.

He said, "I was feeling a little 40."

Greetings!

I walked through our door after work tonight just as Josh was entering the living room.

He says, "Take off your clothes!"

"Why?!"

"I dunno..."

"Okay, because I'm hungry... so no."

Hippie Chicken

I've committed to buying "organic" chicken.  Josh calls it my "hippie chicken."  He was cooking last night and came into the bedroom to say,

"This chicken sucks!  I like my chicken pumped full of growth hormone and inexplicable amounts of antibiotics!"

Turns out, the chicken was delicious.

Shoot Out

This happened in Ames last night!  At first, we didn't know why the woman was shot until we realized she tried to run over a cop on foot.

Josh said, "Yeah, see, you can only get away with pointing a vehicle at a police officer once in a while."

I said, "What!?  That's ASKING to be shot at."

"Um... I know, Babe... I was being pretty sarcastic."

Without Warning

One of those haunting shows was on in the background while I was studying tonight. While Josh walked by, the host said, "And the haunting began without warning."

Josh says, "Do hauntings USUALLY start with a warning?  I mean honestly, were you expecting a note or something?"

No Sleep for Wifey

Until I finally moved out to the couch, I woke up a whopping 6 times from Josh's snoring.  His snore is pretty unique.  It really isn't all that loud usually.  However, it seriously the most irritating sound in the world. I actually took two videos of him last night so that he can hear himself.  It's insane. In addition to the snore, I'm pretty sure he also has sleep apnea.  He will periodically stop breathing all together.  He also "chews" in his sleep. It's not quite grinding, just chewing air.

Anyway, he texted me this morning and said, "Morning sug!  I'm guessing you didn't sleep well last night, huh?  Sorry if it was my fault." 

I said, "Not at ALLLL.  You were snoring worse that I've heard in a long time.  It was kinda scary."

He responds, "Probably a combination of high blood sugar and congestion.  I'm sorry, sug."

"It's okay... you couldn't help it.  I'm thinking you might need to go to a sleep clinic.  You're also chewing in your sleep, by the way.  I tried to wake you to roll over but you yelled at me so I just went to the living room.,"  I said.

He says, "I remember being mad that you woke me up at 12:30. Chewing huh?  I'm officially turning into Homer."

National Coming Out Day

So, there was something strange going on on campus today.  Seriously, there were guys running around tackling each other all over campus.  It was nuts.

I was telling Josh about it on the phone after class and he said, "Isn't there something about 'coming out' this week or something?"

"Ya, it's National Coming Out Day."

"So... maybe they were celebrating by playing 'Smear the Queer.'"

"JESUS!  You're awful babe!  Why did we even CALL it that?!"

Wishes.

I found myself entranced by the Genie Bra infomercial tonight.  It was so completely bizzarre to me... but I couldn't look away.  I came out to the living room to share with Josh how disturbed I was.

I said, "That is the STRANGEST infomercial I've ever seen."

"What is it for?" he asks.

"The Genie Bra."

"What... does it grant wishes or something?"

My Mechanic

Josh is attempting to fix the shift linkage on his truck.  CarX said a while back that it would cost over $200 to fix.  Because it was still functioning, he opted not to have it repaired.  Last night, however, it finally broke for good.  This meant he couldn't get his truck in park, and his keys are stuck in the ignition.

After some research and digging around in the truck, it turns out that a bolt broke.  Problem is, he needs to fish out the old one before he can replace it.

He says, "That little fucker is in the only place I can't reach.  He's just sitting up there giving me the finger."

Cuddling.

Josh and I don't cuddle every night and when we do, it usually lasts about 10 minutes before I role over and fall asleep.  Last night, however, I was in the mood for some cuddling.  It was a long day and we had found ourselves facing a pretty big decision to make.  I looked over at him and he said, "What?"  I inched my way forward onto his chest to give him the cue.

He says, "Oh, you just wanted to cuddle.  Okay..."

Pause.

"I was just cuddle raped."

Sleepy Time

Josh is NOT a morning person.  He's a BEAR in the morning.  Literally.  He growls, grumbles and is incredibly cantankerous for at lest a half an hour.  This morning he wakes up declaring that the had the worst night's sleep EVER!

Then he says, "You're a JERK, by the way!"

"Why?" I asked, ready to hear that I had hoarded the bed and/or covers.

"Because you fell asleep in less than FIVE MINUTES!"

So sorry.

First World Problem

Lately, Josh has been saying, "That's a first world problem" or "That's a rich white guy problem" whenever somebody starts to complain about something moronic. 

I came home from the grocery store with some sweet corn.  As I was removing that remaining strip of corn husk I said, "Why the heck do they even bother leaving this on here?  It's like they think it makes it look prettier or something.  I would have bought the individual ones instead of the prepackaged ones... but I didn't want to pick out five different ears... so I just grabbed this." 

I paused for a moment and said, "Wow... that was SO American of me to say... first world problem." 

Mixed Feelings

Josh said tonight...

"I'm horny.  And depressed.  It's hard being horny AND depressed."

Gas.

Josh and I take showers together frequently.  One of his favorite mean things to do to me is fart while we're in the shower... especially if it's quiet and it sneaks up on me.

Today, I ripped one and hopped out.  Josh says, "Gawd!! What did you EAT?!"

I said, "What?!  You do that all the time to me!

He says, "Ya, but you're a girl... so it's gross."

"And what it is when YOU do it?" I asked.

"Funny," he says.

Heated... Literally

Josh sent me a text from work today...

"So it's just Tim and I today.  Mike took the afternoon off [supervisor].  We've been bullshitting most of the day and kinda fucking off.  Tim got me into a political discussion.  I wound up so mad that I started sweating!"

News Feed

Josh was talking about his frustration with his news feed on Facebook.

He said, "I missed the announcement that one of my favorite bands is breaking up because 50 people I don't care about decided to share that they were going to school or work."

Work Day

Josh hates his job.  I swear every day he has some messed up story about what happened that day.  I called him on my way home from work yesterday.  It took me an hour to explain all the awfulness.

When I got home, I had pretty much explained all that had happened.  He said, "Well, if it's any consolation, I had a pretty GOOD day at work!"

I said, "Really?!  That's good!"

He says, "Yeah, we had bizzaro day today!"

Interview!

I have a job interview tomorrow that I'm feeling REALLY confident about!  I can't WAAAAAIT!

Last night, I started feeling like I might be getting a cold or something.  Noooo!  All day, I've felt like I'm right on the cusp of being full blown sick.  I text messaged Josh while I was at work today, "I still feel like I'm getting sick, but I'm DETERMINED to get to this job interview no matter what!"

He says, "I don't care if you have the ebola virus, you're going."

:)

1st Wedding Anniversary

Josh's Facebook status when I woke up on September 4, 2011:

"In my wedding vows, I mentioned the zombie apocalypse.

She still said yes.

I win.

Best.  Wife.  Ever."

:)

Pillow Talk

I had a zit that I couldn't leave alone.  I put a dab of Neosporin on it before bedtime and crawled in.  Josh looks over at me in the light coming from the television and says, "Um, you got some schmutz on your face."

I said between laughs, "Did you just use the word 'schmutz?'  That's amazing!"

The First World

Josh and I had the chance to stay in a REALLY nice hotel thanks to my Mom's credit card.  We had dinner at the restaurant located in the hotel.  I told Josh after we got coffee with our dessert that I really hated these coffee cups.  I couldn't get more than a finger in the handle. 

Josh mentioned, "Yeah, these cups suck... they're too thin so it's too hot!"  In the middle of adding something to that he says, "This is SUCH a First World conversation.  Let's talk about something else."

Stuff IN stuff

Josh and I were discussing, at what point, bananas are perfectly ripe.  I LOVE them when they start to get brown.  I like them a little bit mushy.  He, however, likes them still green.  Gross. 

Anyway, he says, "I can't buy them because once the green is gone, they'll just sit there and rot.  Then we'd put them in the freezer for banana bread that we'll never make." 

I said, "Yea... and by the way, NUTS DO NOT BELONG IN BANANA BREAD!"

He says, "WHAT?!  Are you KIDDING ME?!  That's like saying the butter doesn't belong on sweet corn.  Or that chocolate can't be put into milk.  You're crazy." 

Super Human Powers

In the shower tonight, I flipped around and managed to knock over a full bottle of body wash with only my hair. 

Josh said, "If you get bit by a radioactive spider, your super power will have something to do with your hair.  I'm sorry... that's kind of a lame super power."

I said, "Well, what if it were ALL my body hair and not just the hair on my head?"

He said, "That's just more unfortunate!"

Yard Work

Josh LOVES yard work.  I've done very little of it since we've lived together in a place that requires our labor.  I don't mind it either way, but he's a fan so I've left it to him.

Since we've had such awful weather lately (complete with at least two, multiple day-long heat advisories), and since Josh doesn't work in air conditioning, the yard work has fallen painfully behind.  Seriously, our back yard was near the point that I could lose Roxy back there!

Because it was so overgrown that our mower couldn't possibly take it, I commandeered Dan's weed whacker to at least cut it down to size.  I started and immediately broke a solid sweat.  I HATE humidity, but this felt pretty good.  There's just something about wielding this destructive instrument and wreaking havoc on something. :)

Josh happened to text me during my water break.  I told him I had started weed whacking and was literally dripping sweat into my eyes.  He LOL'd me and says, "Sucks doesn't it?!"  He was all ready to comment on his mad, manly skills in the grass until I said, "No actually, this is kinda fun"

You get to the point, after knowing Josh for a while, that you know some witty, smart ass comment is going to come out of his mouth the moment you say something (or even BEFORE you say it).  Unfortunately, for him, this time I didn't give him the chance.  He was caught off guard and quickly changed the subject.

Grocery Store Rant

Josh and I were discussing how glad we were that we lived on the west side of Ames, which makes going to the west HyVee that much more convenient. 

I said, "Seriously... if we move to the other side of town, I will probably drive across town just to go to the west HyVee.  THAT'S how much I hate the east one."

We proceeded to a lengthy conversation about how much the east HyVee sucks when Josh stops mid-sentence and says,

"LISTEN to the conversation we're having right now."

Gaw we're old.  What person discusses the proper lay out for a grocery store?  Old people.

Discovering Each Other

Once in a while, I come upon a question I cannot answer for Josh.  For instance, I brought some potato salad over to Sarah's for dinner.  I took half of it home thinking we'd destroy it.  But, then I thought about it and realized I hadn't ever seen him eat it.

When I got home I asked, "Do you like potato salad?"

"NO!  I HATE IT!  I've hated every bite I've ever had.  I'm passionate about my hatred for potato salad."

Okay then, I learned something new!

Making Money

Josh and I are HURTING for money right now.  The VA failed to tell me that if I take ALL online courses, I don't get the monthly living stipend.  This is what we've been paying rent with.  Fuuuuu-dge.

We've been able to make things stretch until this week.  Both electric and internet were over due and we just found Otis has developed an allergy to food with grains in it - prompting us to but some ridiculously expensive dog food. 

I texted Josh to tell him I forgot that I'd had a balance with PayPal so I'd transfer that over to help a bit. 
He responds, "Good deal... because I was considering robbing the elderly or possibly murder for hire at this point.  Anything to swell the bank account a little." 

Disclaimer: OF COURSE, he's being sarcastic.

Speak Much?

Josh came over to steal a smoke from me.  I told him I had split up our pack and left half on his desk.  He says,

"Damn!  Mhpmp flph ammmm... "  mumble, mumble, trip on my words.

I looked at him quizzically and he says,

"Sorry... I just had a seizure."

Burning Dinner

I came home at about 1:00 am from hanging out with Sarah on Friday night.  When I came in the house, I noticed a suspicious smell.  Josh asked, "What?" 

I responded, "It smells like burning."  (Which is a Simpson's quote for the fans out there)

Josh said, "Well... I DID just make some chocolate milk.  There was some smoke, but I didn't think you'd notice."

Traffic Jams.

Mom, Josh and I went to Panera for dinner tonight.  We were all talking about our latest traffic jam stories (Mom, on her way up to Minneapolis hit a storm that caused the temp to go from over 100, to about 60 in about 5 minutes... Josh went to KC traffic free until they hit the city limits and came to a dead stop... Josh and I went to Council Bluffs with mass amounts of construction and no air conditioning in the truck).

At the end of the stories, Josh says, "This is why I can't live in big cities.  I can't deal with that.  I could either have guns, or live in a big city... but not both."

Payback.

Josh gets $100 bill from work for any month they go over $1 million in sales.  I'm not sure I can remember a month he didn't get the bonus, but we never really consider it part of our income.  It's just extra spending money for Josh or whatever bill needs to be paid at the time.

A few weeks ago, Josh went to Kansas City with Denny for a Cubs game.  In the process, Josh lost his debit card (which was later picked up by some a-hole who spent over $80 at some gas station).  Josh had to borrow money from Denny to eat the rest of the trip.  By the end of it, Josh owed Denny about $70. 

When his bonus came this month, he mentioned it and I said, "You should probably hand that over to Denny."  He said, "I was thinking that, or give it to Steve." 

I said, "I think Denny needs to be paid back first."

Josh says, "Ya, Denny has three kids.  Steve has a turtle.  Denny wins."

Breaking Stuff

Josh might be the clumsiest person I know.  Not only does he frequently hurt HIMSELF, but he breaks stuff (or at least knocks stuff over) ALL the time.  We were taking a shower together tonight and he knocked over a bottle of body wash.  Knowing that this was at least the third time he'd done this, I said, "Geez, babe!"

There was a lengthy conversation about how many things he's broken and then he says,
"We need to get a titanium lock box for your toiletries so I don't ruin your shampoo-zies."  

I said, "Did you just say 'shampoo-ZIES?'"

"Sure did!"

Independence Day

Josh asked me what I was going to do today.  I said, "Homework!  Yay!"

He says, "I think, on the 4th of July, you should be required to follow up your plans for the day with '... FOR AMERIKUH!  So... today I'm going to mow the lawn... for AMERIKUH!"

Good for you, Babe! :) 

Jehovah's Witnesses

I was home by myself about a week ago when somebody knocked.  I peeked out and saw an old man so I opened the door.  I stepped out on the porch and realized he was a Jehovah's Witness.  Dang!  They got me!  We chatted for a minute... I even told him I was an atheist.  He asked if he could come back some time again.  Uh... sure?  I went back inside and immediately face palmed!

He's been back three times now.  Once I was gone.  Once I hid in the bedroom until he left.  The third time I was on the phone with a person I legitimately couldn't just hang up on.  Josh was home and happened to answer the door.  I told Josh to tell him I didn't have time right now.

When he left and I was off the phone, Josh said, "He's just going to keep coming back.  You're going to have to deal with this at some point."  I said, "I know!!  But he's a sweet old man!  I can't be mean to old people!"

"I realize that babe, but look in his eyes... he has evil eyes," he said.

"No... he has cataracts." 

Take This Down...

I was typing up a paper on the couch next to Josh and he says,

"Geez!  You type like you're homicidal!"

I've been told this many times.  Perhaps I need to tone it down a notch. :)

Nipples

Josh was talking to me while I was in the bathroom brushing my hair.  I stopped to look at him and when I did, I just happened to notice that one was hard, the other was not.  I told him.

And he says, "I just had a stroke... well... I just had a nipple stroke." 

Ass Slap

I was bending over in the hallway gathering some clothes for laundry.  Josh walks by and slaps my rear.

I said, "EXCUSE me!"

He says, "Oh no, you weren't in my way - I just wanted to touch your ass.  Make no mistake... I WAS sexually harassing you."


Thanks, Babe!

Circumcision.

Josh and I were having a lengthy discussion about male circumcision.  Apparently, in CA, some group wanted a bill that completely banned the practice.  He was baffled that of all things going on in the world today, people were worried about THIS.  He said,

"I mean, where is your life if you spend time thinking about your foreskin?"

Both of us just busted out laughing.

Girly Dogs

When I got home the other day, Josh was elated to tell me that our new neighbors had a more "girly" dog than Roxy.  He said she took the pups out and Roxy TOWERED over this dog.  He was happy that he was no longer the only dude on the block who had to take out a fluff ball.  His dogs were much more "studly."

Oh, boys.

Minnesota

As some of you may know, my Mom has accepted a position at Minnesota State University in Mankato, MN.  This weekend, I went with her to look at houses.  Josh stayed at home, but he had a BLAST taking shots at Minnesota and those who inhabit it.

Mom and I asked him to check the weather right as we were leaving because the sky wasn't looking good. He says, "I can do that, but I'm not sure Minnesota is smart enough to pop up on radar.  I'll do what I can."

I text messaged on the trip home to let him know that we were about to cross the MN/IA border.  He responded, "Most Iowans would call that 'The Enlightenment.'"

:P

I'm Serious!

My goal for the summer is to purge more "stuff" and get our house manageable.  Seriously, we're approaching hoarder status.  I was relying on the fact that we might move at the end of this lease (offering an even better incentive to dump stuff) but now that this is looking bleak, I'm diving in.

Josh was getting ready for work the next day (programing the coffee, making his lunch, attempting to track down his ipod to sync it) when he comes into the living room looking like he's been pondering something epic. He says,

"So, when we get the house all cleaned up, I think we should designate a shelf in the basement to survival equipment for the zombie apocalypse.  We need to get two handguns and add another shot gun.  Maybe a whole pallet of ammunition.  We should get a few back up propane tanks for the camping grill.  We should get some water containers and bottled water...."

Seeing my blank look he says, "I'm SERIOUS!"

While I'm not sure that the dead will walk the earth some day, I can't say it would hurt to have some survival equipment stored.  I mean, it WAS just a year ago that we lost water in town.  Not crazy, right?  I mean... not as crazy as the nut jobs that predicted our demise two days ago.

DVR and Baseball

I'm in the basement working on my tedious online music class.  Josh is upstairs watching a baseball game he recorded.

Suddenly he yells,

"OOOOOOOOOO!"
...pause...
"Babe!  You gotta come look at this!"

Since we were all told the world was ending today, I thought to myself... if I walk upstairs and see a damn earthquake on TV happening somewhere on the other side of the planet, I'll be KICKING myself for how I spent the day.

I said, "Why?  I'm doing school stuff."

He responds, "Come see some guy get hit in the face!"

We watched it and rewinded it 5 times.

I love DVR.

Babies, babies, everywhere!

My bestie, Sarah, just had her second son last Thursday.  I was in the room while she gave birth.  It was amazing.  This, of course, got the baby fever started with Josh.  He said today,

"There's a lot I can't do due to lack of funds or talent... but I know I can be a dad."

He wants to be a daddy SO bad!

Utlra-Bee

I get a text message from Josh while sitting the hospital with Sarah while she was in labor.

The picture he sent along with the text wasn't nearly as clear as this one... but he said,

"That black smudge, next to the quarter, that's some kind of "ultra-bee" that was created in a bio-warfare lab.  It came at me like a werewolf, baring fangs and slobbering for blood... and I ran away like a girl.  Then I came back later and smashed it with a huge piece of cardboard.  I have thumbs, I win again...

...I heard him buzzing around and didn't think much of it.  Then I turned around to see what it was.  I shit you not, it swooped around the light by the washer twice and then flew AT me.  I was shocked.  I've had crows pull this shit before.  Sometimes a rabbit will refuse to run away.  But a bug?!  A fucking BUG challenged me?  That is the first time EVER that I've run away from a bug."

UPDATE: Josh and I discovered this morning (two days after the incident) that the bug was now gone.  I hypothesize that Otis ate it... he's a fan of eating bugs.  Josh was a little nervous that now we had a zombie ultra-bee roaming the house.

Our Weakness

Josh says...

"We're awesome together.  Well... except for the fact that neither of us are committed to cleaning the damn house.  Oh, and the treasury department.  That's okay, though.  When we get rich, we'll hire a housekeeper and a Jewish accountant... I bet we could find a ROSENTHAL!!"

For those of you who don't know, "Rosenthal" is my Mom's maiden name.

Minneapolis

After a visit to the Hennepin area of Minneapolis, I told Josh I wish I could "live there without living there."  Of course, this didn't make sense so I specified by saying, "I want everything but the 'go-fast' all the time and the extra few feet of snow every winter."

He reminds me...

"Big cities are a bad place to be during the zombie apocalypse.  Just sayin'...."

:)

In-Laws

Josh and I were discussing how lucky both of us are to inherit our in-laws.  I was noting the characteristics I love about his, and he did the same.  Josh made a very accurate observation about hanging with my family (specifically, my Mom's side), especially when we have something "serious" to attend...

"The before is awesome, the after is awesome... and then during it's kind of awkward.  But after we get to talk about how strange and silly the whole thing was."

ROFL...

The Rosenthals are loud and goofy.  We have a hard time being "proper" and "serious" about stuff.  We have to let our hair down after putting up a front for a while. :)

Easter

Josh's status update on Facebook for Easter...

"Watch out for zombie Jesus today!"

Melting Pot.

Josh and I got into a heated conversation tonight that ended up in 800 different directions.

Our neighborhood came up.  If you've spent any time at our place, or heard my random complaints about the kids, parents, crime, etc... you might have a sense for where this is going.

Josh said, "We live in neighborhood with a diversity of MASSIVE FAILURES."  We proceeded, then, to talk about all the interesting "characters" that live around us.

1.  The dude that seems really nice until you start to notice that he's got a glass in his hand 100% of the time and reeks of booze.  Oh... and speaks frequently of the orgies he has.  No joke.  He's got three kids living with him and his wife in a two bedroom.

2.  The lady behind us.  She's pretty cool and seems sane enough.  But, she walks around in her underpants in her back yard.  Not hot.

3.  The multitude of children that play in the streets (or, more accurately, DART into the road way JUST as you're approaching in your car).  Where are their parents?  Like... three blocks away.  When I was kid, we played ball in the street... but when a car was at least 4 blocks away we yelled "CAR!!" and scattered.  No concept of danger.

4.  The lesbian couple with 2 (or 8?) kids.  Totally cool with these folks, until one half of the relationship can't control her anger and starts blaring Eminem while punching her garage with a 40 in one hand an a cigarette in her mouth.  Classy.  Then, she hops in her truck and peels out of the parking lot amongst all the kids running around.

5.  The couple who frequently fights in the parking lot.  They were a constant source of comedy for me until they moved away.  I have literally sat on my back porch, listening to the police radio, counting the minutes until they got called.  I laughed SO hard when she called him for being a "crackhead" at the top of her lungs.  Awesome.

6.  The crazy old man.  He actually owns a business down the street from us.  Pretty sure he lives in the same building, though.  You can't go anywhere near his property, ESPECIALLY if you're walking dogs... even if you're in the street.  He once chased a guy off his property (debatable since he's butted up against what is TECHNICALLY Union Pacific property).  He shot at him while he fled... and yes, it's a residential street.

7.  The creeper.  This guy is probably in his 60s and spends 2-3 hours a day parked along the road at the park down the street in the warmer months.  He sits in his truck and just watches people/kids in the park.  I've called the cops on him several times (this just seems fishy) but every time, his tailgate is down and I can't get a plate number.  To my knowledge, they have nothing on him since he keeps coming back.

8.  The pretentious college student who lives in the condo Mommy and Daddy bought for him.  Many times I've been smoking on my porch and he yells, "QUIT FUCKING SMOKING!" and slams his window shut.

9.  The couple who bailed out of their lease.  My landlord filled me in on this one.  Apparently I'm a heavier sleeper than I thought.  She kicked her boyfriend out and had a male friend sleep on the couch to protect her.  Boyfriend broke in and kicked the male's friend ass.  Nothing could be done since he was on the lease and she hadn't filed a protection order.

I could go on... but I'm starting to feel bad passing all this judgement.  Of course, not all these things makes each individual a "failure."  However, we aren't really comfortable staying in this neighborhood much longer.

Life Insurance

A few nights ago, I decided to get an online quote for life insurance on Josh.  I plan to get a policy going as soon as money isn't such an issue.  I was in the bedroom and he was in the living room.  Periodically, I had to answer a question I didn't know the answer to... so I was hollering from the other room...

"Hey babe... what was your blood sugar last time you checked it?"  Not so strange for me to ask.

"Hey babe... how many shots do you take of insulin in a day... on average?"  A little strange.

"Hey babe... what was your A1C last time??"  Okay... what?

Josh finally says, "Why?!  What are you doing?"

By this time I had my quote and said, "Getting a quote for life insurance on you... DAMN your expensive."

He says, "Promise me you're not going to kill me for the insurance money...."

LOL.

Interview Wear

I tried on my outfit I planned to wear for an interview last night.

Josh says, "I think you should wear black pants instead of khaki."

I said, "I'm wearing a navy blazer... that does not compute with black pants."

"Well, I just think you have a little Jimi Hendrix going on here."  (I had a fluffy shirt on under the blazer, likely contributing to the Hendrix vibe... but I couldn't see how black pants would change this).

So, I said, "I'm okay with that."

Don't ask you husband for interview apparel help.

Dying

Josh and I have a few shows that we've watched together religiously.  One of them is Intervention.  A&E came out with another show called HEAVY that started coming on right afterwards.  We got hooked into watching that, too.  Josh noted a similarity in both shows tonight.

They always say, "You're going to die if you keep [ fill in the blank ]."

"They need to correct this.  Everyone is going to die.  We all die.  It SHOULD be, 'You're going to die SOONER or MORE HORRIBLY if you keep [ fill in the blank ].'"

Skin Tags

Josh has a skin tag on his left shoulder.  I started playing with it tonight and he said, "WHAT are you DOING?!"

Me: "Playing with your skin tag."

Josh: "WHY?!  They're the most disgusting thing ever... they're worse than hair covered moles and goiters."

Me: "Why don't you go get it removed then?  Tell the doc you can't wear a necklace because it irritates it and they'll remove it."

Josh: "Nuh-uh.  That's still cosmetic.  I wish I could just use a fingernail clippers and snip it off."

Me:  "That's what Lydia did.  Apparently it's pretty common for women to get them when they're pregnant."

Josh: "You better not get one!!"

Me: "Why?!  What are YOU going to do?"

Josh: "Sleep in another room.  They're DISGUSTING!!"

Me: "What they hell?!  YOU have one and I sleep with YOU!!"

Josh: "I don't see how you can... I'm SO gross."


An evening in the lives of Josh and Liz.

Torticollis

If you don't know what it is, google it.  I had my first experience with it the first year Josh and I were together.  I woke up in an immense amount of pain and ended up in the emergency room.  I was MIA from class and work for at least a week and a half.  Totally helpless.  Apparently, it's pretty serious and warrants some heavy pain killers and muscle relaxers.  I've had 3 or 4 recurrences, each time with a quicker recovery time.

Last night, I felt it coming on again.  I quickly took some pain killers and laid on a heating pad hoping to lessen the muscle spasms.  It started to get really bad so Josh and I discussed what we were going to do if this turned out to be like the first time.  Josh said,

"If this gets bad I'm staying home from work on Monday."

I thought for a second... "oh how sweet of him!"  Wait...

"Are you going to stay home because you know you'll have to wait on me or because you want a day off?"

"Well... both... but I know you'll be helpless!!"

Thanks Babe.

Birth Control

Josh and I were discussing wall art.  We've decided to take EVERYTHING down off our walls and start fresh.  It's just a mess as it is in our place right now.  Furniture has been arranged too many times.

So, anyway, we started talking about the original artwork by Amy Williams (an Etsy.com friend of mine) we had done for our wedding.  Several were brought home by family and friends who attended, but we still had a few handfuls left over.  Josh says, "Hey!  We could totally use them in our baby room!"

I thought it was a great idea and kind of smirked at him because he's been talking a LOT about having a baby lately.

He says, "What?!"

I said, "Nothing... it's just cute how much you've been talking about how bad you want to be a Dad lately.  Should I be worried that you might start tampering with my birth control?"

He laughs and says, "Hahaha... no... I wouldn't do that.  I WANT to but I wont.  I actually thought about it for a while, then decided that wasn't really fair."

: P

Starting Shit

Josh, "YOU do it!"

Me, "No... YOU do it." 

Josh, "No, I don't want to start shit." 

Me, "Oh, so it's okay for ME to start shit?"

Josh, "You're EXPECTED to start shit." 

Oh, okay.

Baseball Season

Every year, Josh gets STOKED when baseball season is about to begin.

"There are going to be REAL professional baseball players playing on TV today.  But it doesn't really matter, because its Spring training.  So, it's the worst baseball ever."

Patience, Babe.  Good things will come. :P

Verbal Assassination

Josh and I were discussing his amazing ability to shut people down, efficiently and accurately, with just a few words. He says,

"I like to think of myself as a verbal assassin.  In fact, that just might be how I punish our future children.  There PROBABLY isn't a monster under your bed... but there MIGHT be.  Think about that."

Real nice.

Stealing...

I usually buy cigarettes in two's because it's cheaper.  So, I get two for Josh and two for me.  I either misplaced or lost my second pack so I stole Josh's second pack (he smokes much less than I) and planned to replace it after class.  Josh beat me home and asked that I stop for cigarettes.  He said he couldn't find his second pack.  I admitted that I had stolen it and he responds...

"Meanie.  How dare you steal from the uneducated working class."

Violated

I attempted to chest bump Josh today, and all I got was my breasts groped.  In response to being violated, I tried to jam my finger between his butt cheeks.  I know this will never successful because he has buns of steel, but it never fails to offend/shock him.

I said, "Yeah... you violate me and I violate you BACK!"

He says, "Well, yeah but I didn't try to finger blast your fart box."

LOL... WHAT?!
Apparently it's a joke on one of the forums he's a part of.  Hilarious.

Objectivication

Josh and I were in the living room tonight.  I was playing on my computer and he was playing video games.  I decided it was time for a smoke so I walked between him and the television to go to the basement.  I had been working on a crochet project and realized right as I was blocking his view to the video game that my legs were tangled in yarn.  I bent over to free myself and looked up at him to apologize for "being a door and not a window."  He was sort of half smiling and I said, "What?  Where you just staring at my tits??"  (I was wearing a deep v-neck)

He says,
"YUP!"

Well at least he still finds me attractive after we tied the knot. ; )

Babies

Josh: "Why does everybody on my Facebook have to have cute babies?"

Me: "Why?  Is that a problem for you?"

Josh: "Well, yeah, as long as you're not getting pregnant yet."


Aww... Josh wants a baby! :)

Turning 30

Josh is 30 years old today.  He isn't much for birthdays and THIS one in particular is just plain annoying for him.  Bah-humbug.  He has always been an "old soul" and this is just further confirming that he's and "old man."

What turns his frown upside down?  My coconut shrimp, steak and yearly themed cake.  One year I made a Pink Floyd The Wall cake... another year I made a Cubs baseball diamond cake... one year I wasn't feeling creative and made a "traditionally" decorated cake, complete with a mispelling.  LOL.  This year, I'm trying something different but, of course, I can't share yet because he hasn't seen it.

I texted him at work to tell him Happy Birthday, to try and have a good day at work, and to get ready for shrimp, steak and cake.

He responds, "Yay for cake!  Yay for dinner!  I'm fucking 30."

Edited to add:

Dinner was fabulous and the cake brought a HUGE smile.  I did a "replica" of one of Josh's guitars that he calls the "Old Man."  Appropriate, right? :)  Here is a pic:

Josh said on his Facebook later: "My wife's awesome is more awesome than your awesome."  I guess I did well! :)

Swastikas in School

While out at recess today, I noticed that one of the kids (we'll call him "S") was wearing a wool hat with a tiny swastika on it.  I, even as a white woman, was offended.  The principal wasn't in today, so I talked to S's teacher to see how they wanted to handle it.

I text messaged Josh because I was actually quite baffled!  How could somebody NOT see that as offensive or potentially INappropriate for the school setting?!  Here is a collection of his thoughts...

"Aw fuck.  Really?  Is it an actual swastika?  That kid's parents need their asses beat."

"Our kids are gonna wind up home schooled for handing out ass kickings to kids like that."

"Just take the fucking hat!  It's a SWASTIKA for fucks sake!  How much more universally offensive can you get?!"

"So have any of the little gang-banger kids tried to fuck him up yet?  I'd just encourage them to.  In fact, I'd tell the white kids and the black kids to show some unity and beat his ass."

"I'M offended.  That's how you know someone has crossed the line."